Grief is a normal yet highly personal response to loss.
Neither an illness nor a pathological condition, it is a natural process
that, depending on how it is managed and understood, can lead to healing
and personal growth.
Grief is extremely powerful.
It can catch you totally unprepared, knock you off balance and shake you
to the core. It can be painful beyond words, physically, emotionally,
socially and spiritually and it can change your life completely. Grief
serves to remind you how fragile life is and how vulnerable you are to
loss. It can make your present life seem meaningless, and take away your
hope for the future.
Understanding the process and knowing what to expect can help
you cope.
Your pattern of progressing through your grief will be uneven,
unpredictable and unique, with no specific time frame. But the more you
learn about grief, the better you can cope with it. In the beginning it
will seem as if your grief is running you, but in the end, you can learn
to run your grief. When you understand what is happening to you and have
some idea of what to expect, you will feel more in control of your grief
and will be in a better position to take care of yourself, to find your
own way through this loss and to begin rebuilding your life.
The worst kind of grief is the grief you’re experiencing now.
Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s, and know that, at this
moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.
Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief, and accept that you must
endure the very real feelings of sorrow.
Grief work is very hard and takes enormous energy.
Much as you may want to do so, there is no way to avoid this grief of
yours. You cannot wait it out; you won’t get over it quickly, and nobody
can do it for you. It’s called grief work because finding your way
through grief is hard work, and if you put it off, like a messy chore it
will sit there waiting to be done. And the longer it waits, the harder
it becomes.
Effective mourning is not done alone.
Unfortunately, friends and family members may be finished with your
grief long before you are finished with your need to talk about it, and
unexpressed feelings can become distorted. It is important that you find
an understanding, nonjudgmental listener with whom you can openly
acknowledge your feelings and experiences, express and work through your
pain, and come to terms with your loss. If friends and family aren’t as
available as you need them to be, or if your need exceeds their capacity
to help, consider attending a support group or seeking help from a
bereavement counselor.
How grief is expressed varies among individuals.
Everyone grieves differently, according to their age, gender,
personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss, and
available support. Grieving differs among members of the same family, as
each person’s relationship with and attachment to the deceased family
member varies. How you will react to this death depends on how you’ve
responded to other crises in your life; on what was lost when
this death happened (not only the life of the person who died, but
certain aspects of your own life as well: your way of life; who you were
in your relationship with that person and who you planned to be; your
hopes and dreams for the future); on who died (spouse, parent,
child, sibling, grandparent, relative, friend or other; how you lived
together and what that person meant to you); on the person’s role
in your family; on when the death occurred (at what point in the
life cycle: yours as well as that of the person who died); and on how
(the circumstances surrounding the death, and how the death occurred).
Certain manifestations of grief are typical, common and
normal.
Although grief is as individual as you are, some feelings and reactions
are universal. Their intensity will vary, and they’ll happen in no
particular order. You may experience all, some or none of them; they may
happen only once or many times, sometimes several years after your loved
one’s death. Respect your own feelings and reactions. Take time to look,
listen, experience and understand them. They are nature’s way of getting
your attention.
Grief is a lifelong process.
While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes in intensity over time, it’s
never gone completely. It is absolutely normal to feel the aftershock of
loss for the rest of your life. Grieving is not a reaction to a single
event, like an illness that can be cured and from which you will
recover. It’s more like a deep wound that eventually heals and closes,
but whose terrible scar remains and still can hurt at times.
Death may have ended your loved one’s life, but it did not
end your relationship.
The bond you have will continue and endure throughout your lifetime,
depending on how you take your memories and your past with you into the
future. Many grievers report maintaining an active connection with their
deceased loved ones by talking to them, dreaming about them, sensing
their presence or feeling watched over and protected by them. It is
normal and healthy to foster these continuing bonds, as you decide how
your loved one will be remembered, memorialized and included in your
family and community life.
Time does not heal grief.
Time is neutral. It is not the passage of time alone that heals. It is
what you do with time that matters. Now that this death has
happened to you, you must decide what you can do with your grief.
Grieving is an active process, not a passive one, and recovery is a
choice. Coping with grief involves many courses of action, and as you
find your way through this first year of grief, you will learn how to
use this grieving time to help you heal yourself.
There is no right or wrong way to do the work of grieving.
There is only your way, and you must discover it for yourself.
There is no magic formula, no short cut, and no easy way out. Grief is
like a long, winding tunnel whose entrance is closed behind you, and the
only way out is through.
© 2006 by Martha M. Tousley, APRN, BC, CT
Reprinted with permission of the author
E-mail to: tousleym@aol.com
Grief Healing Web Site:
http://www.griefhealing.com
Read more on grief from the
Adventist Health Care System webpage
